


The first time...

by Saphirott



Series: Little Things [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Drabble Sequence, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:49:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27124774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saphirott/pseuds/Saphirott
Summary: Hello!This is a small collection of 4 drabbles that I wrote for a call on a Facebook page.They asked us to recount some first times in Sam and Dean's life.I chose the first time that Sam and Dean realized that what they felt for each other was more than brotherly love.That time Sam's is set in the "Faith" chapter, and Dean's is set in the "Shadow" chapter.There's also the first time the two are together, based on " Lazarus's Rising"And, one last original Drabble about an unexpected first teenage kiss.I hope you like it
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Series: Little Things [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/948897
Comments: 2
Kudos: 68





	The first time...

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is a small collection of 4 drabbles that I wrote for a call on a Facebook page.   
> They asked us to recount some first times in Sam and Dean's life.   
> I chose the first time that Sam and Dean realized that what they felt for each other was more than brotherly love.   
> That time Sam's is set in the "Faith" chapter, and Dean's is set in the "Shadow" chapter.  
> There's also the first time the two are together, based on " Lazarus's Rising"  
> And, one last original Drabble about an unexpected first teenage kiss.  
> I hope you like it

** The first time... **

**By: Saphirott**

The first time Sam was truly aware that what he felt for Dean was more than just brotherly love was when he first believed that he had lost him.

Remembering that night, despite all that has happened since, still gives him a shiver that leaves a trace of unease for the rest of the day.

When he reached the end of those ramshackle stairs that creaked dangerously under his weight, with the only illumination of that little lantern, and saw, under its precarious beam, Dean's drenched and faded body half leaning against that wall of old wood, everything inside him turned upside down.

During the half-second it took him to reach his side, panic took hold of him. The teaser next to the body and the puddle they were in made it clear to him what had happened. The Rawhead had disappeared and Dean had suffered the same fate as him, electrocuted.

As he carried the inert body on his arms up the stairs back to the Impala, his mind kept praying to the known and the unknown that it was not too late. With the gas pedal pressed to the metal, he could only think that he hadn't had enough time, that he needed more time, more time with Dean...

When he arrived at the hospital and was taken from his arms, he felt empty, but he still allowed himself a little hope, he held on to it and thought about it when that brunette nurse asked him about his insurance papers. That day he felt no remorse for using fake cards and nodded when the woman told _“Mr. Berkovich”_ that everything was fine, his mind just focused on that hope that they had arrived in time, that Dean was going to be saved.

An hour later, that doctor took it away from him. Two weeks, a month at the most…, his heart won't hold on. The countdown clock went off in his brain and Sam knew that his heart wouldn't hold either, that he couldn't live without him, that nothing would make sense without Dean.

When he walked into the room and saw Dean, sunk in that bed, dark circles under his eyes, his tired voice and still that smile with which Dean tried to play things down, with which he tried to calm him down, to protect him; Sam knew. He knew that the pain he had felt with Jessica's death was not a thousandth of that which was now lodged in his chest, and he realized that this far exceeded the love of a brother.

When Dean told Sam that he would have to leave without him, that he was going to die and that he couldn't help it: Sam knew that he would do anything, inside or outside the established rules, to save him and that he wouldn't regret anything, no matter what the consequences, if it meant keeping Dean by his side.

*******

The first time Dean really knew that his feelings for Sam were more than just brotherly love was when, almost unconsciously, he was about to confess to him. The words struggled to escape his mouth, but fear made him hold them in.

Dean could say that the conversation had taken him by surprise, but that would be a lie. It was something he had long suspected but was afraid to admit. He might think that all that pressure on his chest that didn't let him breathe was the result of his nerves, the tension of the last few days, the near possibility of finally reaching his goal and ending up with Yellow Eyes. It was all a lie.

Dean had called it "the big night" in an effort to appear confident, but he didn't feel it. A mask that began to crack at the same moment that Sam began to talk with such enthusiasm about the possibility that everything would end that night and that was shattered when Sam told him that he would return to his classes, that he would leave again.

"What are you going to do," Sam had asked, and his mind went blank. His life was Sam, the four years he had been at Stanford Dean had barely survived by leaving his blood and energies in a constant and unmitigated battle against every monster that crossed his way, looking for them like a drug so he could fall down and sleep without having time to think about his absence. Dean didn't realize he had started breathing again, not until after Sam’s announcement, when Dean again felt that it had stopped.

“What do you want for yourself?”

That's when Dean almost threw it all away. "I want you not to go," he managed to scream before he could stop himself. Dean needed to grab onto that chest of drawers to hold on. He was never more grateful that his brother couldn't see his face, that he couldn't see his struggle to tell him the truth; that he hadn't gone looking for Sam just to help him find his father, that there was something else.

That something else that Dean didn't dare admit at the time and that now burned inside him. He needed Sam like he needed to breathe and now Sam would be gone again. Yes, it was at that moment that he realized, when for a few seconds he shuffled off the possibility of telling Sam everything, but the fear of rejection and the remorse of feeling something that he knew was unnatural made him step back, disguising that raw need with a family veil that Sam would perhaps accept.

Dean poured his hopes into that card, he didn't mind pleading for it, but Sam refused the bet.

"When the time comes, you must let me choose my path," Sam said.

Dean had already let Sam choose once and left, then he couldn't foresee the consequences. In that room and after that conversation, Dean knew that he couldn't survive his absence again, but he also knew that love means sacrifice so, Dean glued the pieces of his broken mask together, and again became the tough guy who, with a nod, ended that conversation.

******

The first time they had sex was at that hotel that put the room numbers inside red hearts, on September 20th, when they met again, two days after Dean escaped from hell.

The first moment was, one might say, strange. The surprise, the doubts, and that first hug to which they both gave themselves with unrestrained enthusiasm. Then came the questions, the speculations, and finally everyone left, leaving just the two of them.

For a long time they only looked at each other, both still incredulous of that second opportunity they had been given. Sam stood up, taking out from inside his shirt the amulet he had kept as a unique memory, and handed it to his brother. His fingers brushed against each other, and Sam held back the impulse to grab that hand. Dean returned the necklace to its original place and his lips curled up in a warm smile.

Their eyes crossed, saying without speaking what they both already knew. Dean nodded and lured his brother into a new, much more intimate embrace. The breaths sounded agitated over the opposite neck, both of them immersed in a futile effort to control them. One minute, three, five, who remembers? The only important thing is that in the end, one took the first step.

Sam stepped back just to look at him, and his eyes glowed with an intensity that accelerated Dean's breathing. Their glances crossed and they did the most intelligent thing they had ever done, letting their eyes speak, because they did understand each other, clearly, without the ambiguity that words can provide. Eyes don't lie, not ones that know each other so well.

Dean raised his hand to the back of Sam's head and let his fingers caress the hairline, Sam sighed only once and closed his eyes for a second, when he opened them, determination was reflected in them with the clarity of a mirror. Their lips joined in a soft, tentative kiss, one that brought the blood to pounding in their ears, setting a rhythm that reminded them they were alive.

There were no words and no questions. The kisses gained confidence, hungry, needy, burning, giving free rein to the desires of almost a lifetime that they had already lost all hope of fulfilling. The hands went through the known bodies, but not so much, looking for those places they had never reached, exploring them and keeping them in the secret memory that was hidden under their fingertips. They gave and took all they could, anxious and intoxicated with each other. Possessing themselves in tears, overcome by feelings, buried by the reality of realizing that they would only be complete with each other.

The night was too short for the opinion of both of them, although at dawn their bodies were sweaty, tired and sore from the new level of surrender they had reached.

******

The first time Sam took a first step toward Dean, it was totally accidental and made him so embarrassed that he went almost a week without being able to look at his brother's face.

They had been in that boring Oklahoma town for over twenty days, the summer heat was stifling, the grass around the ramshackle house they were staying in was yellow, and the cicadas drove them crazy with their incessant singing. John had left in search of a ghost and had not appeared for four days, no classes, leaving them with absolutely nothing to do.

Until Dean suggested that they should train. He liked to train with Dean, Sam always lost and his brother didn't let the opportunity to make fun of him pass him by, but even so, it was a moment Sam usually enjoyed, but that day, it was too hot and he didn't feel like going out and fighting in the sun.

Even then, even though Sam was only sixteen, he must have known that Dean would not take no for an answer. Dean bothered him, teased him and in the end he had no choice but to follow him out. The fact that his eyes followed the movement of Dean's shirt as he took it off downstairs from the porch must have warned him of something, but at that moment his brain didn't consider it. Imitating his brother, Sam shed his, and seconds later he was in front of Dean.

He lost count of the times he bit into the dust, each time followed by that mocking smile that looked so good on Dean. Both their bodies were pearly with sweat and blades of dry grass. Holds and grips followed one another, and after an hour, both were breathing heavily.

Dean asked him if he had enough and Sam, not knowing yet why, denied. With renewed impetus, he threw himself back into the fight. Dean greeted him with a proud smile. The holds were firm, each trying to find the support that would destabilize the other. Sam stood on his brother's back, circling Dean’s shoulders from under his armpits. Sam could feel his brother's muscles struggling against his chest, and he could feel another point of contact far below.

The surprise of feeling that he was getting a hard-on against his brother's butt made him slacken off and Dean didn't miss the opportunity to get it off. They rolled around on the floor, struggled and for the first time Sam won, pinning Dean under his body.

It all happened in seconds, but it seemed like hours to Sam. He was on top of Dean, keeping his arms over his head, holding him by his wrists; his knees tightened on both sides of Dean’s hips. The sun brought out coppery reflections from the green of his brother's eyes, which shone proudly.They breathed in agitated by the effort, and their cheeks were reddened by the heat. Sam smiled satisfied by his feat and Dean smiled back.

Sam still doesn't know what drove him to do it, to push his hips forward and let Dean be aware of what was happening to him. Everything stopped. His brother's face became serious for a moment, and then his eyes were fixed on him with an intensity that frightened Sam. He mumbled "I'm sorry" and ran to his room to hide.


End file.
